we will cross paths

I've made up a thousand scenarios up in my head.

Of how we'd encounter each other.

Of how our paths will cross largely based on the presumed certainty that it is bound to happen.

We'd see each other. We'll spot each other across the metro coach. 

I'll look down as tears start to run from my eyes. I'll be spellbound. You'd be smirking just like you were when we first met. 

Stupidly.

I can never imagine you vulnerable with me. It makes me realise that I probably never was that welcoming for you to have that option. 

I'll move out of the metro as it stops on a station. The next station. I don't have to but I will. I will just stand in a corner, with my back to everyone moving ahead, and cry.

Just to realise you aren't that illusion I keep having. 

You'll tap on my shoulder. 

I'll wipe my tears away. 

I won't look at you. 

I'll be dying on the inside. I'll want to hug you and just not let you leave because you left and I died.

But because I'm not enough. And i remember I'm not enough. I'll not look up. I'll look down, make myself go around where you stand and walk away. 

I don't know what happens next other than the fact that I cry. 

I cry out every clot in my throat I've had for months, everytime when I think of another way we might crosspaths. 

You might say that it isn't love. But you don't have proof to prove your assumption. You will never be able to prove it's love either. Because you might think its a quest. But for me it never was. I had lost the battle the day I felt, what I feel for you. The day I started respecting you. And the day I realised that you're a dumbhead and insensitive but I accepted it. 

I knew where every aspect of you stemmed from in my head. Just because I didn't say it. Just because I didn't acknowledge you lying doesn't mean I wasn't aware. Just because I didn't acknowledge that you felt I consumed your time doesn't mean I wasn't aware. Just because. I knew things. But they didn't matter. You did. 

And so I fell apart. Just because I feel that you deserve so much more for your purity even if its not me.