13-09-2019
Realising why you would want to be with someone is an ugly task to complete. Congratulations to me as I have accomplished that. It is very different to be with someone because you'd want to be with them from that wantonness (arising out of the greed) to cage everything good because if others have it then you wouldn't. You wouldn't have the same authority over it. I know that my above expression of relations seems very vulgar to their essence and spirit but I have, as always, not found a more appropriate analogy to exhibit for the phenomena. Other than that, when you are dealing with relations with anyone (your parents, friends, teachers et cetera) there arise a few obligatory expectations. They are poison. The failure to fulfill your one sided expectations which one would feel are underlying social principles, costs the other person their reputation in front of the expecting persona. Given that the person who is expecting anything is actually to put to blame for generalising a fantasy as an obligatory measure. So far my attempts to not enforce such obligations have failed. Miserably for me. Which has led me to realise that I need to step back. From everyone. Because it is more complex than just being disappointed in your relations with people. It has more to do with assigning yourself a pedestal of standards ( borderline narcissistic because you see yourself with a sense of superiority ). In order for my approach to be fair. To be of reason. It has to alter itself.
In order for myself to settle in my skin, it has to start with the basic hierarchy of needs as presented by Maslow. and it has to be all me. I do not know if a declaration of this urgency for a reform to take place will be more effective for me in order for my will to accomplish it. It is how I feel that I would make myself worthy of being in any relation with any human being. Only if I put an end to the misery of always expecting from others. Will my acceptance of being take a stand.
So far I've been easily able to distance myself from the general lot of humans I have known because of my tendencies to reserve my feelings. I know that it will be easier with my parents because it is easier to get disowned by them for being unideal. I have only one left to give a thought to. And I feel that this would not end on a good note, and would continue, for a very long time. I know that it might all seem very self-centric but in my defense, I wasn't contributing to anything valuable in their lives either way. All I am pulling back from the lives I choose to step back from is an unhealthy habit.
Hints of repulsive behaviour bear the seed to the final act. I think it will be hard to kiss goodbye. Nonetheless, it is well before to exhibit the drama of expectations escalates because I have started to expect. I can't act like a burden to either more people. I have already burdened myself with enough acts of generosity, kindness towards me which I have to return. Given the fact that I have never given anything in return but consume time.
In order to earn the right to exist with them, I must work. On myself. I believe that they deserve better and if I can't make amends with myself then I would accept that they are all well-deserving of the other people that come their way.
In order for myself to settle in my skin, it has to start with the basic hierarchy of needs as presented by Maslow. and it has to be all me. I do not know if a declaration of this urgency for a reform to take place will be more effective for me in order for my will to accomplish it. It is how I feel that I would make myself worthy of being in any relation with any human being. Only if I put an end to the misery of always expecting from others. Will my acceptance of being take a stand.
So far I've been easily able to distance myself from the general lot of humans I have known because of my tendencies to reserve my feelings. I know that it will be easier with my parents because it is easier to get disowned by them for being unideal. I have only one left to give a thought to. And I feel that this would not end on a good note, and would continue, for a very long time. I know that it might all seem very self-centric but in my defense, I wasn't contributing to anything valuable in their lives either way. All I am pulling back from the lives I choose to step back from is an unhealthy habit.
Hints of repulsive behaviour bear the seed to the final act. I think it will be hard to kiss goodbye. Nonetheless, it is well before to exhibit the drama of expectations escalates because I have started to expect. I can't act like a burden to either more people. I have already burdened myself with enough acts of generosity, kindness towards me which I have to return. Given the fact that I have never given anything in return but consume time.
In order to earn the right to exist with them, I must work. On myself. I believe that they deserve better and if I can't make amends with myself then I would accept that they are all well-deserving of the other people that come their way.
Comments