Rajora

Someday you will meet a person you will feel unworthy of having met. Someone who will help you and who you would be selfish enough to not let go.

I couldn't think what to call this post or him. I have never believed in the concept of 'love' as bring anything different than a mirage. Or to put my thinking more aptly. A sham. The most overrated pretence. 

I knew I loved my siblings and my friends unconditionally. But I could never imagine anyone beyond those bounds. I could never imagine anyone. Not a him or her to feel 'love' towards. and not the normal 'love' but a different kind of 'love'. I hereby confirm that 'love' if you may believe me, a person who has learned from her petty little experiences in the past and might just be concluding my observations without even reaching half of the life..Comes in different forms.

This one is for the most unappreciated but cavernous love. This one is for him. So if you choose to read further, here is your headstart. You can just leave. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't know.

I met a guy. Online. The worst places of all time. Online.  I was just looking for more guy friends if you would believe me because i needed a break from my college. I couldn't afford to look away from my phone or books to ever realise where i am and what i am around. And there he was. An 18 year old who is talking to a first year college student very enthusiastically for some reason.

 I underestimated him. 

Started texting him, because A. He seemed like a VERY cool person to me so i swiped him having a feeling that even if he doesn't like me. I will end up having a good bro. To put it simply, he was cute and i couldn't wait to get dumped. B. He liked similar things. No he did not. He had Anime Merch. Yep. Your girl here is pretty cheap. Anime? I am sold. That's all it took for me to want to talk. 

I texted him first because enthusiasm was on it's peak. Turns out the 'kawaii' guy is unexpectedly in school and very unexpectedly into philosophy. He, for once, knew what he was talking about. That's okay, He's a bro i thought to myself. Until one day in a totally random conversation where he mentioned he liked a girl and i was advising him on a call-to-action strategy...because i thought we had established that i and him did not fit together, He said he had been thinking about me. I kid you not I was disappointed with my judgement of him. I still am. I drew a deep breath as I typed " What?..how? I am mean to you? What?...I thought you weren't into me...and we can go out you know? Let's hangout and get to know each other first " WHAT WAS I THINKING. This guy who was confident that love exists and I who argued it doesn't slapped it's existence on my face. I gave him my number because usually when things move to Whatsapp for me, they slow down and end. I loathe texting and i couldn't handle any more of these social media apps where i could see how pretentious people are around me. We started texting. Best thing to ever happen to my useless self. We had our ups and downs. I had a lot of my ups and downs to realise how I am nothing  in front of this guy. This guy was someone who I wanted to be or act like all my life. He had more sense in his little finger than I had in my 18 years. He wasn't my angsty teenage self. He was better. and i could see how only if he had someone to tell him how brave he his. He will be just fine. 

" It is your duty, to say to the world..All the things you wish someone had said to you. It is your Dharma to fight the world for all the wars you wish had been fought for you " 

He was as close i got to making amends with my past. And oh boy did I know what i was making him a part of.  A month in and i have turned into a girl who i never even knew existed. And i hated myself for getting myself into his life more than i had initially planned. The goal was to help him get through. Make him understand he is way better and he has an amazing future ahead of him. Not to be a set-back to him and his future. I starting turning into my definition of the set back because I went with the flow. And i couldn't resist this beautiful amazing human being. He did not know how perfect he was. He is. And how he was everything I ever dreamed of having if ever I teleported to world where I actually fell for someone truly nice. 

Things started to feel different. I was in a relationship with a person beyond my phone screen. A relationship I never proposed him for because i would never be able to live with myself if he said yes. I could never undo the guilt of having wasted efforts and time of one more person. I could not do that. 

He was absurd. He was fireworks. Ironical how i suggested him a movie called 'Ruby Sparks'. He was my Ruby. I fell in love with him. and how do i define 'love'? When i could think about nothing but the happiness of the person beyond our phone screens. When the efforts did not matter. He did. That's how. When even though I knew I would get hurt. When I realised I loved him enough to let him go because I knew the world had a lot to offer him.

He made me step outside of my bubble of security because I realised how worthy this guy was. He deserves everything good. Everything he wants. He wanted me. He loved me and I was too selfish to step back. Even when all along. I knew he deserved better and he didn't know what he was signing up for.  Weeks went by as I lost track of time and worries. I forgot what life was like before him and how I slept without being anxious. He became a part of me. And I know he will stay with me for the rest of my life even if we never meet. and even if  he isn't there. He will always be there. 

Sounds another fictitious blog written by someone smitten and blinded doesn't it?

As much I wanted to call him. As much as I wanted to ask him out. I couldn't. He is not someone you can have the liberty of having in your life. Don't. You cannot disappoint another person. I remember crying for days because I couldn't remember his voice anymore. Sounds magnified for something as simple as missing someone but it isn't. There were only a few markers which made me feel that he existed. His voice was one of them. Then worst of all, I lost our chats. I hated texting. I still do. But they were the only memories I had of him. And since i couldn't ask him to stay. I knew I had lost something priceless and unattainable. 

He would promote my stupidity all the time. ' He doesn't know' I thought to myself. 

He had his bad days. I had mine. Rough patches to get through. His rougher than mine. I had tried explaining to him a thousand times that i wasn't good for him and that I was selfish enough to text him back even though I know I am no good news. I could not make myself leave. Until recently. He was always very brave. He was very strong. He IS very strong. He just needs someone by his side. He needs her. Who will help him get through all of his problems and know him more than anyone. She will be there exactly when and how he needs her. and I chose to finally STOP. I chose to let him be. I choose to not intrude. I choose to not become a hurdle along the path of him reaching her. 

And obviously, it goes without saying that it hurts a lot. Not to set him free but the fact that i know he is not okay. He is suffering. I have faith in him. He is one of the strongest people i know. He is the strongest. But I am glad I finally built up the courage to not waste his time anymore. He deserves better and time is what will get him that. Time is what will get him her. Someone who is as perfect as he is. Someone Worthy. 

And I will always love him. Because I know what love is. For starters, it is not romantic fiction. It doesn't involve romanticism. No. It is something that stays with you for your whole life. It is something that you take with yourself to your grave. You take your memories of your 'one'. 

That's what it is for me. No one will ever make me feel the same. I know because I had been searching for him for many years now. He is someone I love more than anything or anyone I ever have and I ever will. Which is why I must let him go. And I did. 

Because more than anything i have ever wished. I hope he finds her.

1st Jan 2020; Update: He's not with me now. It's been a few months. I miss him a lot. But I guess that's how having a muse feels like.